OutOfReach

Out Of Reach

So here’s a story about two girls falling in love.

Well it took them a while to realize that they were in love.

Yes because it was love, and love is scary as fuck, but mainly because they were both girls. The realm of homosexuality was new, better yet forbidden in both their eyes.

But yet love found them.

Here’s the summary of how they met.

Both were juniors in college on the soccer team. One was new to school; A transfer. The other, was a veteran on the team who was from out of state.

First day of tryouts they meet. The girl who transferred hated everything about her. And the out-of-stater thought she was a bitch.

No sooner they became best friends.

First impressions are always the best, aren’t they?

As their relationship grew, of course their love and care grew as well. They never had the usual, standard, best girlfriend relationship. Every once in a while they’d have their awkward moments; catching one stare too long, the other looking at her lips as she speaks (or when she isn’t speaking at all) or of course, the slight touch of the hand when they’re sitting next to eachother.

The night came when it was just them two together drinking wine. The out-of-stater knew tonight was going to be the night. And the transfer was oblivious to even herself.

They kissed while laying in bed. It was if both their stars aligned and the most beautiful light was formed.

From then on it was a roller-coaster with no tracks. Life became crazy and so were they. They were undeniably in love. But their religion and their thoughts of sin and going about this all wrong was repeatedly being brought up—their main cause for arguments.

Without coming out to anyone and hiding their love, things were still alright for them. With their senior year coming to an end they knew all their past struggles would not compare to the one they had after graduation. The out-of-stater would have to go back home, and the transfer left to watch her tail lights.

With much struggle from the long distance, and unhappy parents when finally coming out, they both decided to split ways and let eachother do their own thing.

3 years have passed and the longest recording heartbreak has been written. With only these texts as pathways and refined edges to show the heart which way it should end up. 3 years giving themselves just enough space to know that they still care for one another. Because they know no matter what and how much they love eachother, they still will always be out of reach.

………

With pride and fear they both deny the truth about what they had, how they felt and how they ended up. For three years so far there was much torment, unanswered questions and unconditional love….

SO, here is the story about two girls who fell in love. Even though this is in between a 3 year timeline, the story still continues…but I’ll start you at the beginning…

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From the Transfer: Text before graduation.

May 14th 2009, 12 A.M.

“Just for the record I don’t regret anything that happened to us. I’m really sorry I couldn’t be perfect for you. I tried, but it’s impossible for me to make you happy. That’s all I had and it wasn’t good enough. I know we’re gonna see eachother for the next couple of days and I hope you can be cordial because I will try to be. TTYL.

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From The Transfer to The Out-Of-Stater:

July 22, 2009 - August 1, 2009

I can only write this because I feel like I have to give up my hope in loving you, and having hope of getting your love back. And my hope in wanting to be with you is slowly, imperfectly, fading into the back of my head … though, not forgotten.

There was a time where I would actually picture and feel amazing when picturing myself with you. Grown…Happy…Together. I saw us in a cabin, somewhere up north, happy. During the winter you would wear cute sweaters, and scarves. And in the summer and spring you and I would hike in the mountains near us. The thought isn’t scary … the smile that comes with it is. The feeling I will actually be happy with that as my future…scares me.

I am only broken because this whole time loving you I am still so blind to know if you have ever felt the same way. I get 2 minutes sometimes where I can talk myself into ever thinking that you have. And then I remember the words that were ultimately said. Those words that was totally different from your actions, your touch, your chill (each chill) every time we touched. You can’t fake that. Only those words you can fake.

So yet I am torn. I am torn from what I have felt with you, than what I have argued with you. You can only manage both and still have me hanging on every word as truth. That gives me with the torch to direct in which light of truth I should believe. Man, you are the worst liar, and the worst person. The worst person to love.

I can only sit and ponder and delegate and deliberate, and anticipate every single thing you do… for so long.

If I can just get a little glimpse of your thoughts I will tear you open and grab the box you have stashed and hidden away for me to never uncover – To never let anyone discover. Not even yourself.

I feel like you are so sick of me … So sick of loving me … or so sick of caring for me?

Or neither and just want out. I can have you. But is it you who wants me? If the matter is something you cannot wish for then I will have it as that, and do away with you. I can’t hold on to something that wants to untangle their fingers and slip away (intentionally or not wanting too). It is happening, and has happened.

But we, together, becoming and what began … was just that, a happening, a just happening. Chance … Fate putting her marbles on us. We can make this work.

I can make this work, but I don’t want to force it, use this force, and use you to have to try and make it work…you have to feel it too.

Obstinate equals you, your character of choice when you’re with me… With me, as if we were together.

I wished for so long.

You have broken me. I have never felt, and here I am, feeling everything all at once. The wave of passions came and rammed me down over and over and over and over again. I’m still down, trying to crawl back to the shoreline. You come in each wave, in different senses.

And they lasted a minute or 2 every hour or less in a day. And with great emotion, I feel it starts at the pit of my stomach up to my chest to my neck, where I can’t swallow when I am remembered of something bad. And sometimes it starts from my breast down to in between my thighs when I reminisce of some things so good.

My words are scattered … as is my heart in different portions, each portion corrupted with an emotion. They all rush at once with their jagged pieces pointing at me when realizing, and then forming into the mother of all emotion, Love. Ugh. So then the jagged portion of emotion once formed come at me and rip through me, as I still stand they come back, and back again, like I said, every minute or 2… I didn’t know tomahawks can be so jagged. And I can only stand for so long with so many holes in my chest.

You’ll probably never get this letter because your’ willfulness will never open it. Burn it, trash it. That’s the girl I know. So this is my goodbye. The goodbye you’ll never know.

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Text Conversation between Out-Of-Stater and The Transfer. The mark (—) represents the Transfer talking.

December 25^th 2009 3:40pm

Merry Christmas ___! Hope you’re enjoying spending time with your family
Ahem … I’m waiting. Don’t be a little Grinch.
— Lol, thank you. U too.
Don’t be a hater girl. Life is short.
— I don’t hate you ____.
Hate Dislike same thing. Not the underlying message
I want to know what I did to you.
Bc just so u know u knocked the life out of me.
— How?
I just don’t see the point of life lately anymore probs not at all
— You messed with me for too long…enough for me to want to marry you …only to finally see that you would never be with me …THAT is knocking, not only the life out of ME, but my hope and everything I had given … .that is what you did.
Doesn’t seem fair.
— What?
It’s not fair for u to disregard my feelings.
- - I’m looking out for me. I don’t know ur feelings. You’re a vault. Or whatever. And I’m done talking.
_____I just told you I needed to talk to you.
- Ok about what!?
: (
— What?
Idk I just told you I just feel like I’m having a really hard time and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to.
— Why, what’s wrong?
I feel like nothing really makes me happy anymore.
— Well you got to remember whatever made u happy before…
Life made me happy before but nothings working out for me.
— Why what’s going on to make u feel that way? Its Christmas, ur with ur family. : ) It’s the best thing ever. Isn’t it?
Yeah I guess. I feel sometimes like my family is the only reason to live … But then Christmas is almost over and my brothers leave.
— You have your friends and me, and yourself to live. Look at what u want to do, u truly want … that’s the reason u have.
What friends the last person I hung out with was u when u were here.

December 26^th 2009

Hey can I ask u a question that has a 99.9% chance of denial But I figure I’d ask anyway.
— Haha yeah go ahead.
I’m nervous can you promise u won’t say no first.
- Lol, promise
Can I at least see u for a min this week
— How?
Oh ya minor detail bc I’m gonna be in LA
— Umm. I don’t know … I might be busy. Or gone. It all depends.
— That’s the truth. I’m not trying to be mean.
: ( Alright
Its ok I knew I should’ve asked
— Why?
I knew what you were gonna say
— Why do you even want to see me?
Do you really wanna know the answer to that question?
— Umm, yeah.
NVM, just why wouldn’t I want to see you?
- Why never mind?
Answer my question!
— No you answer mine! I asked first! IDK why u wouldn’t want to see me … I just asked why u would.
Are you gonna stop talking to me if I answer?
- Lol, no
I can’t answer!
- ANSWERRR!
Just because.
- Say it!
Bc I’m in love w you and I never know when the next time I’ll see u is
Ok.
Damn I’m 2 for 2 tonight
— What do u want me to say? ___ u broke my heart. I’m scared of u now. I don’t want to feel that kind of pain gain. Specially seeing u and still not being able to have u because it weirds u out”. It’s whatever I mean I don’t know what to say because I want to see u but I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Can I make a rebuttal
— How?
You broke my heart too I don’t want to hurt anymore either. I’m a wreck hah I cry these days more than I smile. I’d just love to see someone who makes me happy but its ok nvm I hate myself excuse me as I go jump off a cliff.
Nevermind. Its ok I’m sorry
Can you please say something so I don’t feel like I wana die
_____? : (
Don’t ignore me please I already wish I could die as it is
— No. I’m sorry. I left my phone in the car.
— How did I break ur heart when I told u I wanted to be with u and u told me no??
I guess u didn’t I guess I broke my own heart. But the whole situation just hurts my heart everyday.
— You don’t have to apologize … I just don’t get how I broke ur heart.
— You broke ur own heart by being too afraid to be with the person who you’re in love with… It’d be a lot easier if you’d just let things happen, instead of preventing them … .then, we’d get through things together, instead of feeling alone…you would never feel alone if u were with me…
My two best friend from h.s came home today and I went over there tonite and they were like interrogating me they were like what is ur deal what’s wrong with u. What is wrong with me???? I need to snap out of it.
— … .try having ur best friend stare at u in ur eyes and say, _____, u aren’t happy … .what are u looking for? What do you want? And start crying after them saying that … . and thinking, all I want was you… .
— P.s. I feel like you’re not in love with me… .You just love me… .There’s a difference. Don’t get my hopes up again.

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One week - A poem by The Out-Of-Stater February 8^th 2010 10:10

First day came out of nowhere.

And my questions came not far behind

Was this for some scare?

If so, I don’t care…that’s fine.

Second two none, exactly as day one.

No response to me and I am left to pretend to breathe.

There’s got to be something wrong, or a formulated theme.

Third, is just as mystical as your stare.

What are you thinking? You act like you don’t you care?

I wish for a response, I’m wishing for something,

Give me a wishing well, and I’ll dive in bare.

Fourth, I decide to text again.

Will there be a response this time…

Any excuse I can…

How’s the weather? The family doing fine?

Fifth is anger. Time’s precious, like a baby in a cradle.

Why don’t you tear me open, take what you need, and forget the stitches on the table…

Thank you, come again …

Am I a thrift shop for the broken and unstable.

Six, you replace me with sticks,

You text me and and I’m stiff…

What do I say? Hi?

Yes, say Hi and then no reply,

Just as you did, just as you want it to be,

For this to pass on by … just as time. .

Seventh day, I’m lucky for your lies played old.

The Lucky Seven, as we were told.

I’m lucky for my health, my family – my friends,

And that my memory is forgetful once again.

I’ll forget you by the week…

Just as the first spring, sprung,

The new flowers bloomed and the new grass grown

One week has almost gone by,

If there was such a task to be done it is to read one,

Just one text before the weeks done.

That’s all I need.

One week has gone before I was able to get anything.

Just the dreams of the situation occurring.

Not even just one? To know you’re around? The dreams are now burrowing.

Paranoia has flooded my skull…

And now I can’t think rational.

You must be alive? And doing fine…

I’m just here to help. Just let me be kind?

Have you gotten over yourself some?

So week two can be better then week one?

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